A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "G'day sir, can you tell me where I am?"
"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the back field on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 miles from Knoxville. John will be plowing and sowing corn in the back field next week. There is a bull in the field. It is behind you and about to attack you."
At the moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant".
"Good Grief", says the driver, "you're right. How did you know that?"
"I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."
Erm hang on a minute, Friday is the start of the weekend and not supposed to be productive, Friday has been used as a winding down period since the Egyptians landed their spacecraft and created the pyramids. They found fossils to prove it, saw it with me own eyes on Discovery.
Aye, somethings been started here I think. I've done the square root of nothing today either. Anyone else going to be working into the night? A Friday as well.
Joining in with that general Friday feeling, hope that you enjoy these :
What do you call a thousand dead management consultants????
A good Start!
Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of Management accountants?
He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.
Why don't sharks attack Management Consultants?
Professional Courtessy
How do you know that you've found a good accountant?
He has a tax loophole named after him
For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
__________________
Shaun
Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.
How about some of your funny bookkeeping/accountancy stories today? things that have happened to you or a client, weird stuff you have happened upon. No tale is too long for us.
