A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? A. Her navel
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!" "And the moral of the story is...?" replied the doctor.
40 Things You'd Like to Say Out Loud at Work
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13 I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24 Do I look like a people person?
25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36 Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38 I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.
39 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40 Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
The Accountant And The Frog Princess
An accountant is out for a walk by a river, and spies a frog sitting on the bank.
The frog says, "I'm a Beautiful Princess under a wicked spell if you give me a kiss and make me human again I will stay with you for a week."
The accountant smiles as he picks up the frog and puts her into his pocket, then continues his walk.
A little later the accountant takes the frog out of his pocket and she says, "I'm a Beautiful Princess under a wicked spell if you give me a kiss and make me human again I will stay with you for two weeks and do anything you ask no matter how depraved."
The accountant smiles and puts her back in his pocket.
Much later he takes her out of his pocket again and she crys, "Don't you realise that I am a beautiful princess with an incredible body, and if you kiss me I will become human again and will stay with you for a year and do anything you want, whatever it is."
And the Accountant says, "I'm an accountant and far too busy to have a girlfriend, but a talking frog now that's cool."
An accountant, architect & artist are discusing which is better a wife or a mistress.
The architect says "I prefer a wife, because it's the foundations of a strong relationship that can be built upon for the future."
The artist says "I'd rather have a mistress for the passion".
The accountant says "I'd like both".
The other too are stunned and the artist asks "Why both???"
The accountant explains "Well, while they both think I'm spending time with the other one. I can go to the office and get some work done !".
