Just thought I would put a few Christmas Jokes up to cheer up those who are all maxed out on their credit cards or just to get away from the stresses that come with Yuletide.
What will be different about Christmas after Brexit? No Brussels
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One was painted red. One was painted blue. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, 'Did you get my drift?'
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.
What is a webmaster's favourite hymn? Oh, dot com all ye faithful!
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
Christmas Riddles
How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
What do lions sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it's adrift.
How do snowmen get around? On their icicles.
What does Santa call reindeer that don't work?
Dinner.
What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia
I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year, didn't see one canary. Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can't wait.
Why did the turkey cross the road? Are you kidding? It's Christmas - he should run a mile.
Why did the atheist cross the road? So he could see both sides.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ...... So the barman gives her one.
What does a frog do if his car breaks down? He gets it toad away.
Never read a popup book about giraffes.
Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.
I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist. I'm in love with her footspa.
Where do Snow-women like to dance? At Snowballs.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and prosperous and stress free 2017.
Dave
-- Edited by Campbell on Wednesday 14th of December 2016 07:06:59 AM
Just thought I would put a few Christmas Jokes up to cheer up those who are all maxed out on their credit cards or just to get away from the stresses that come with Yuletide.
A few gems here Dave.
What will be different about Christmas after Brexit? No Brussels
Heard this one yesterday, very good.
Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.
I went out and got absolutely hammered last night. I was a good boy and decided to get a taxi back home. It was really good, police were out in force doing breath tests and that, but they waved the taxi through no sweat. I woke up this morning day with a massive hangover and a taxi parked outside, so apologies to whoever it belongs to!
-- Edited by Campbell on Wednesday 14th of December 2016 07:06:59 AM
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
I loved the never read a pop up book about Giraffes (should have added "Exclaimed Stevie Wonder") and the Virgin Island one, but yes a few groans too but I had to fill up space with some 3 year old jokes lol.
Vince you have taught me a new trick inasmuch as imagining someone else telling the jokes and Joe Pasquale does it for me. :)
You have to have a bit of Mirth in your life to escape to humdrum of normality, but then again with what goes on in my head could hardly be described as normal lol.
We should have a Friday fun rota and a BKN award should go to the best Friday Funner? What ya saying Steve?
Have a good weekend all. Got a job interview next week, hope they like MARMITE?
or just to get away from the stresses that come with Yuletide.
