Once upon a time there was a baby bunny. This bunny had never ventured beyond the fence around the field its warren was in. One evening, just after dusk, the bunny was nibbling on the grass by the fence and looking longingly at all the really lush grass and dandelions in the field over the road. Now this road was a really busy road and the little bunny had always been told not to cross the road because it was too dangerous.

Well, the baby bunnys daddy hopped over to see his son and the baby bunny asked his dad if he could cross the road.

Well, son his dad said, Its a dangerous road. Loads of your family have been killed trying to cross it, but there is a way.

Go on, Dad, tell me squeaked the baby bunny, excitedly.

Well son, what you do is you set off across the road and keep your ears pricked for the sound of approaching cars. If you hear one, you turn to face it, look at the lights on the car, get between them, duck down and the car will pass straight over you

So the baby bunny takes a few deep breaths and sets off across the road. He hears and approaching car and, being a sensible bunny, does exactly what his daddy told him.

SPLAT. Blood, guts and fur fly everywhere, spattering his dad and the hedgehog.

"Damn" said Daddy rabbit, "I forgot about Reliant Robins"

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

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My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from petal" ?

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In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The
question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

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A policeman is asked to attend a domestic incident.  When he gets there the husband is dead on the floor and the wife is holding a shotgun.
"What the hells happened" he asked.  The woman said "he stepped on the kitchen floor and I've just mopped it"  The policeman radio'd it in and his Sargeant said "Well, have you arrested her lad?"  
"No" said the policeman.  "Why the hell not?" asked the Sargeant.  "The floor's still wet" said the policeman.

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!!"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!!"