Sorry lads and lasses, a bit late this week.

An English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

The class joker at the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You'll have to write with your other hand."

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A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here" Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"

The bloke says "Listen love, can you make your mind up, I should've got off four stops ago !!"

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I wouldn't say my mate's a bit simple but he went to the Doctors and said,"wherever I touch myself im in agony!"

"Show me" said the doctor.  He touches his head and screams,  touches his arm and screams louder,touches his leg and crys in agony!!!

"stop,stop" said the doctor  "let me examine you"  After 5 minutes the doctor says ,"I think i know whats wrong!!"  "What is it?" he said   The Doctor replied, you've broken your finger.

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A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,  "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."   Dentist says:  "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man says: "Yes, I know."  Dentist says: "So why did you come in here?"  Man replied: "The light was on..."

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.  "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"  "Of course, my son," said the priest.  The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her the war's over?"