An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The President was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock Tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that There was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
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A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.
After 10 minutes of really vigorous sex, the wife, completely sweaty and out of breath said, "Wow, Mervyn, that was hot, I never knew you still had it in you"
Mervyn replied, "Neither did I, but that fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"
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"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't f*** around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
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The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I just watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse and kissed him good night. Mick sat up and watched me all night."
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I was installing a light in the loft today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the hell out of my girlfriend. I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
-- Edited by Leger on Friday 10th of April 2020 10:25:09 PM
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John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.
COVID-19 update: If anyone is going to make a face mask out of an old bra, make sure that you use the left breast only.... You don't want to go ut looking like a right tit.
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Shaun
Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.
I was acting in a theatre production last night when suddenly I fell through the floorboards and nearly broke my neck, it's the second time this has happened and is so frustrating, however my acting coach told me not to worry about it as it is just a stage I am going through.
A beautiful young woman is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre where she leaves the woman on the trolley outside while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches lifts up the sheet and starts to examine her naked body, he puts the sheet back and walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and lifts the sheet and does the same examination, when a third man does the same thing but more closely she becomes impatient and says "All these examinations are fine and appreciated but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and replied " I have no idea, we are only painting the corridor"
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Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
