The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

--

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a dump first."

--

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
 
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
 
Apparently the correct answer was spine.

--

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests What is your first request?" The Lone
Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver
is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later
that evening, to the Chief's surprise.
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse, alone."
Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I Said
POSSE.

--

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone  wall,
holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several  minutes they
sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and  said,

"A  penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly  on the
 cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze
out over  the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny
for your  thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for
a  wee  cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a
few seconds.  Then he blushed. Then the two turned
once again to gaze out  over the  loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your  
thoughts,   Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let  
me poot ma  hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her  
knee. Then  he blushed. Then the two turned once
 again to gaze out over  the loch  before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus".

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more
serious this  time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with  
anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit  
her lip in  anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me
the first three pennies?"