My daft mate Dave has applied to be a detective.  At the interview he was asked what 1 + 1 is.
"Eleven", he replied.

The Interviewer thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess he's right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", he replied.

The sheriff is again surprised that Dave had supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

"Now listen carefully, who killed 13 women in the North of England?" he asks him.

Dave looked a little surprised. He thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

I popped round to see Dave that evening and asked how it went . "The interview went great!" he said. I'm already working on a murder case!"

--

The teenage lad woke up and demanded breakfast, but his mum said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mum he was hungry. His mum said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father came downstairs and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mum should I tell him or will you?"

--

 There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to
  process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
 addressed in a shaky handwriting to God but with no actual address.
 He thought he should open it to see what it was about.  The letter read:

 Dear God,
 I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse.  It   had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.    Can you please help me?
    Sincerely,
    Edna

The postal worker was touched.  He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would  be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
  Because of your gift of love, I was able to do a wonderful dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice  day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

  By the way, there was £4 missing.
  I think it must have been those  b*st*rds at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
   Edna

--

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and
grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk,

"Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we have many different models."

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong, aandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk
that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

The poor old lady replies "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe bblllooodddyy ttthingggg offffff?"

--

Mrs. Parks asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You  should
 not be asking us a question like that!  I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Head, and you'll get  fired!"

 She sat back down.

 Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again.  "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,  "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

 The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?"

 Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body  part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of  the eye."

 Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy."

 Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I  have three things to say:

 First, you have a dirty mind.  Second, you didn't read your homework.  And
 third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"