Here we go folks

I was in a taxi last week and tapped the driver gently on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the taxi, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." I apologised to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "It's my first day mate, I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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 A man was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'£30,' she whispers.

The man had never been with a lady of the night before, but decides what the hell, it's only £30.
So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a policeman.

'So, what's going on here?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' The man answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light on her face!'

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My daft mate Dave applied for a job. A Pole applied for the same job and they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Dave and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but weve decided to give the Pole the job."

Dave was incredulous, "How come? We both got 19 questions correct."

The Manager said, "We've made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Dave said, "and just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

The Manager replied, "Simple, on question number 7 the Pole wrote down "I dont know."

You put down,  "Neither do I."

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Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night...

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over...

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer feckin' candle!"

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