Blimey, half way through the year, which means only 20 sleeps to Christmas if you're an insomniac!

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.'The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.'Been on holiday yet, lads?''Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful Country ... the history,the beer, the culture....''Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim?And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.''So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..

--

My friend confided in me that he was going to flat share with a female friend of his and he was worried that it would lead to sex and ruin their relationship.

"Come on now." I said consoling him, "I once lived with a lass for 5 years and we never touched each other."

"Oh, right." He replied excited, "What happened after that?"

"We got divorced." I replied.

--

I was feeling rough this morning, so the wife had to drive me to work.

"I don't understand it." I said." I only had five pints."

"I know, John." She replied. "But it's hardly a balanced breakfast."

--

I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'Oh come on' I said. "Give me a break, I was only gone 10 minutes"

'I'm just doing my job' she haughtily replied

"Whatever" I replied, "anyway what do you want for tea when you get back from work?"

--

It's been reported that there were Liverpool fans with flares the other day.

Nice to see them still wearing the same trousers as when they last won the Premier League.

--

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100
years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh, no, my
dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply 'IN 'on the Ding, and 'OUT' on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ..................

'He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream Van hadn't come along....