Yay, it's July, and my first job this morning was to hotfoot it down to the Barbers and get a Grade 0 cut done. Feel loads better now.
Playing golf one day I accidentally tipped over my golf buggy..
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted buggy.
"John," she said seductively, "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up in a bit."
"That's really nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of glasses Vodka and coke, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the buggy, I think."
--
A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know whos been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the back of the room called out, You need more ammo!
--
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road.
He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run.
So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse.
The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer
"How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied,
"I breed 'em.
You see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg.
Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!"
said the driver
"How do they taste?"
"Don't know, I've not caught one yet!"
--
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"Sounds interesting, tell me more," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again "with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!
--
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
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John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
A funny story from yesterday, the wife and I were driving through Wales, at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogoch we stopped for lunch and my wife asked the waitress "Before we order, i wonder if you could settle an argument for us, can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said "Burrr.......gurrr......King"
(and before you ask, yes that really is a place in Wales)
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Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
Just use a simple alternative that's incredibly easy to remember: 'flan fair piggly wiggly" - much easier.
Although, you'll probably get a few funny looks when you call it that. After all, it doesn't sound anything like how you'd expect Bridgend to be pronounced.
(Badumtish)
I didn't get the first joke about the haircut.
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Vince M Hudd - Soft Rock Software
(I only came here looking for fellow apiarists...)
