George & Ken were on police traffic duties when a car passed them and in the passenger seat was a penguin. They followed the car, checking that it was indeed a penguin, pulled the car over and spoke to the driver.
"Excuse me sir, but we noticed the penguin in your car. Can you please explain why."
"I'm just taking him for a drive," said the man, "We're going to get some fish from the fish market." He pointed, "And I made sure he has his seat belt on."
"We really don't think you should have the penguin in your car, sir," said George, "Might we suggest you take him to the zoo."
The man nodded, "OK, officer, I'll do just that," he replied. And he went on his way.
2 days later, the same cops spotted the same car, the same driver, the same penguin in the passenger seat. They pulled him over..
"We stopped you 2 days ago," said George. "And we advised you to take the penguin to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," said the man, interrupting, "And he loved it. I'm taking him to the cinema today."
--
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for 100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at 2 each
and made a profit of 898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his 2 back.' Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland.
--
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes, a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."
--
The queen once bought Prince Charles a fox fur hat but he never wore it. One day Charles said to her Im going to Cannock tomorrow to open a new civic centre. The queen said wear the fox hat. Charles said up in the midlands by Wolverhampton!
--
Went down to my local Co-op last night and a group of teenagers asked if I could get them 20 Richmonds. I duly obliged and you should have heard the abuse they gave me. I said next time get your own bloody sausages.
--
The teacher asks Fred what's opposite of joy? He says sorrow. He asks Peter what's opposite of depression? He says happiness. He asks Little Johnny what's the opposite of woe? He says giddy up!
--
They say no man is an Island, but what if your name is Barry?
--
-- Edited by Leger on Sunday 6th of September 2020 12:56:47 PM
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Nice one John as always, some classics in there especially the donkey one
My small contribution
The man who invented Tasar has died, his friends are stunned!
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words Defence, Defeat and Detail Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
Christmas is now mid-January due to Santa having to quarantine for 14 days when he arrives in the country
__________________
Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
Ooh, I live in Cannock :D Gives you a warm and fuzzy when you get a mention even if the queen doesn't know wear the fox hat is.
Lol, nice one John. Dead Donkey one waas a classic :)
__________________
Shaun
Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.
