Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday."
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Brunette driving along a country lane. Now this lady has always wanted a sheep as a pet. She sees a field full of sheep and spots the shepherd.
The brunette says to the shepherd,
" Good morning, I have a proposition for you. If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock, could I have one please".
Shepherd thinks for a moment that there's not a hope in hell for the lady.
"Go right ahead" says the shepherd.
The woman has a quick look round, and within a few seconds says, " you've got 127".
Amazed, the shepherd true to his word agrees and tells the lady to pick one and so she does.
As the woman is on her way back to her car, the shepherd says to her, " Excuse me but I have a proposition for you now. If I can guess your original hair colour, can I have my sheepdog back?!"
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"
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Putting out my rubbish, I saw one of my neighbours looking very miserable and upset. So I called out to her, "Is every thing Ok , she said no, its my Bert. He went to his allotments Sunday to get me a cabbage for dinner, as he was pulling it up, he had a heart attack and dropped down dead.I said to her ,Oh my God! What ever did you do ? She said "I had to open a tin.of peas.
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There's a law that says when it's raining in Sweden you have to drive with your headlights on.
How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in sweden?
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The wife just said 'the bloke across the road leaves for work every morning and gives his wife a big kiss before he goes, why don't you do that ?'... 'I would' I said...... 'but I hardly know her'.........
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__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Got to add this before I forget it. On local social media page someone genuinely asks if anyone knows about old typewriters. Some witty bloke replies "Press W D 4 T tat the same time and it should loosen up"
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Got to add this before I forget it. On local social media page someone genuinely asks if anyone knows about old typewriters. Some witty bloke replies "Press W D 4 T tat the same time and it should loosen up"
Hi John, I reckon that one might have a few people thinking
Loved the football one, i usually have an inkling to the punchline but i didn't see that coming, great
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Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
