Sorry, we haven't had one for a little while.

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics  shop to have his truck fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he  said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware  Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed  store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling  outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases  home.

While he was scratching his head he was  approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you  tell me how to get to 1603  Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of  fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't  carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put  the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken  under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and  proceeded to walk the old girl home.  On the way he says 'Let's take my  short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over  cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How  do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,  pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, "Flipping heck lady! I'm  carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the  world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do  that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down,  cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the  chickens.

--

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery..

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'

--

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

--

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

A Kangaroo is a Marsupial native to Austalia

A Kangaroot is what a Scotsman says if hes stuck in a lift.

--

I'm facing the sack at work, because according to them, I'm "The worst accountant the company's ever had." And I "Haven't got a f*cking clue about numbers."

Yeah, whatever. It's nothing I haven't heard befive.

--

Based on statistics, the most common position amongst married couples is Doggy style, This is where the husband sits and begs, whilst the wife rolls over and plays dead.

--

I phoned the suppository helpline this morning.  They're very rude, aren't they!