Well it's been a while but just in time for the Jubilee 4 day festivities, here's some jokes.

The priest walked into the vestry with a worried look on his face,the verger asks the priest what seems to be the problemthe priest says I dont believe it someone has only pinched my bike.The verger sits there for a moment then he says. I know how we can catch the thief-how so said the priest.When you take the sermon this Sunday preach the Ten Commandments keep a close eye on the parishioners when you reach thou shall not steal look for the red face and you will have him.What a good idea Ill do itso the following Sunday he gets up into the pulpit and starts preaching the ten commandments -all of a sudden he breaks off and starts preaching about something else.After the service the verger pulls the priest to one side -i thought you were going to preach the ten commandmentsi was said the priest but when i reached thou shall not commit adultery i remembered where i left my bike

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3 bodies turn up at the mortuary all with smiles on their faces. The pathalogist asked, "why are they all smiling?" The Paramedic says, "1st guy died of heart attack while making love to his wife, hence the smile. 2nd guy won the lottery, spent it on whiskey and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. The 3rd guy  was struck by lightening" The Pathologist asks,"why was he smiling?" The Paramedic replies,"He thought he was having his photo taken!"

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Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.

Two days later, the other guys arrive at the camping site to begin their

yearly fishing getaway.

And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with a tent already set up.

"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of

Grey," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and

ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did, then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am

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Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint.

The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs.

First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead.

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog.

He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my guide dog.

The bouncer says, Ok then, come on in.

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog.

He replies, Im blind and this is my guide dog.

The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?

The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began pestering him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

...

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest

full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "I DIDN'T!"

My wife decided to leave me because of my obsession with sliced bread. Such a shame as we've been through thick and thin together.

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Apple have just released their annual results.  Although profits are down the turnover is still good.

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When I was kid, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?"

"Sure son, no problem"  So I sold it.