How come a dog can speak to no one, steal food, fall asleep and fart loudly and everyone adores it, but when I do it's bad manners and I've apparently "ruined the funeral."
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A man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of naughty stuff they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be £100 for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be £150 for the ride here and back."
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After we were wed my wife said to me,
'Now that we're married, you can give up playing that silly guitar'
I said, 'You're beginning to sound like my ex wife'.
She said, 'You didn't tell me you were previously married!?'
I said, 'I wasn't'.
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Johnnys mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny greeted her and said, "You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "
"Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your story," his mother said.
When the father came home, Johnny started again, "Two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "
"Then they WHAT, Johnny?" his mother asked, hurt and angry.
"And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do when Dads out of town."
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My wife found out that our Schnauzer could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. but he was born without ears.Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby, Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or he'd be spanked. Johnny looked in the cot and said,"what a lovely baby, lovely feet, hands and skin, how's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied " that's good cos he'd be knackered if he needed glasses!"
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John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
