very quiet on the posting front today. Must be a side effect of the summer hols. So, just to keep all of our regular readers happy how about a little humour to help you through the afternoon...
Has anyone ever wondered.....
..why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
..why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
..why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
..why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
..why doctors and accountants call what they do "practice"?
..why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?
..why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
..why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
..why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?
..why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
..why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
..why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
..why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
..why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Oops, work to do. talk later,
Shaun.
__________________
Shaun
Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.
Everyones watching the olympics and for those people that hate sport they have gone on holiday early!
Like the one about mouse flavoured cat food! My cat would be permantly eating, he loves mice, unfortunately he let one loose in the house the other day, I was not impressed!
all the fun of a thirteen year old at home so on here more than I should be.
His PC is right next to mine and he's watching Hatsune Miku video's on You Tube which are keeping me amused (if you get chance have a look at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxhCKWGfmS4 it's amazing that an Anime cartoon is actually a mega star in Japan... Also, I've worked out how they make her come alive on stage. Can you work it out?)
As you enjoyed the mouse one how about some slogans for women's T-shirts to keep you away from watching the Olympics for a little while longer. Enjoy...
I'm out of oestrogen - I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: six minutes.
And your point is?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
__________________
Shaun
Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.
A running gag in the fictional series 'Yes Minister' had Jim Hacker regularly mixing his metaphors and being mercilessly pulled up by either Sir Humphrey or, more often by Private secretary, Bernard Whoolley. Here are some excerpts, perhaps funnier in context, but just for anyone's amusement.
Humphrey then tried to tell me that I was putting party before country. That hoary old cliche again. I told him to find a new one. Bernard said that a new cliche could perhaps be said to be a contradiction in terms. Thank you, Bernard, for all your help!
I decided to open up Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and get the ball rolling.
Jim Hacker: Perhaps he has the PMs ear. Sir Humphrey: He is in the PMs pocket. Bernard Woolley: Then the PM must have a large ear.
'This needs a sledgehammer,' I declared. 'We must cut through the red tape.' Bloody Bernard piped up again. 'You can't cut tape with a sledgehammer, it would just...' and then he made a sort of squashing gesture. I squashed him with a look.
Hacker: But we can't stab our partners in the back and spit in their face. Bernard : You can't stab anyone in the back, while you spit in their face.
Hacker: Now this happens and they charge in like a herd of vultures. Bernard: Not herd, Prime Minister. Hacker: Charge in, like a herd of vultures. Bernard: No, I mean vultures don't herd, they flock. And they don't charge they ... um ... Hacker: Yes, what do they do Bernard. Bernard: They ... er ... (does imitation of vulture) Hacker: Sit down Bernard.
"The awards committee meets in six weeks," said Martin, "and so obviously the PM doesn't want to rock the boat until it's in the bag." I think I caught Bernard mumbling to himself that you don't put boats in bags.
"Humphrey," I said, "do you think I could? Actually grasp the nettle and take the bull by the horns?" Bernard spoke for the first time. "Prime Minister, you can't take the bull by the horns if you're grasping the nettle." I could hardly believe that this was Bernard's sole contribution to a discussion of such importance. I just sat there and goggled at him. He must have thought I didn't understand him, for he began to explain himself: "I mean, if you grasped the nettle with one hand, you could take the bull by one horn with the other hand, but not by both horns because your hand wouldn't be big enough, and if you took a bull by only one horn it would be rather dangerous because......."
Hacker: The point is, this situation is now a real hot potato. If I don't do something it could become a banana skin. Bernard: Excuse me, Prime Minister, a hot potato can't become a banana skin. If you don't do anything a hot potato will merely becomes a cold potato.
Sir Humphrey: 'Minister, I have warned you before about the dangers of talking to people in the Department. I implore you to stay out of the minefield of local government. It is a political graveyard.' Bernard intervened. Just as nature abhors a vacuum, Bernard abominates a mixed metaphor. 'Actually, Sir Humphrey,' he explained confidentially, 'you can't have a graveyard in a minefield because all the corpses would...' and he made a vague explosion gesture.
Hacker: It's a hot-bed of cold feet.
Hacker: "When a country is going downhill, it is time for someone to get into the driving seat, and put his foot on the accelerator." Bernard: "I think you mean brakes."
Hacker: "I'm putting my foot down with a firm hand"
Hacker: Now about nailing that leak Bernard: Oh, I'm sorry to be pedantic. But if you nail a leak you make another. Hacker: (gives Bernard a withering look)
My all time real goof by a politician was good ol' boy George W when he said "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
