I bought a burger at Tescos cafe, the waitress said would you like anything on it?, I replied a fiver each way .
Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony
I got fired from the meat factory because I got an e-mail about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
The Blind Mans Blonde Joke
A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
FROM THE DAFT TO THE SUBLIME
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
What a legend, I remember as a boy watching him on TV, he had a set of weighing scales the old fashioned type of course and two light bulbs which were both the same size. He put one of the light bulbs on the scales and the scales never moved. He then put the second light bulb on the opposite side of the scales which sent that side of the scales down and in a way only Tommy Cooper could he came out with the immortal words.
Light Bulb, Heavy Bulb. LOL
Not so funny to read I know but hilarious to watch.
