Thank you Shaun! So many views, and no one posted! Pfffffffft!!

Haha, these are clever! Will have to remember next time I am applying mascara, and see if I can close my mouth!

And some strange but trues :

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws
requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

And a few observations (appologies if there are any repeats in here but I grabbed them from a couple of emaisl that have been sent me) :

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenceless animals, especially in a gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The 1000 km journey always begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper that's the time to do it.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

When someone says, 'Do you want my opinion?' it is always a negative one.

The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.

Do unto others, then run.....................

It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students

Its lonely at the top but you eat better

Give me ambiguity or give me something else

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Consciousness, that annoying time between naps

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie..." till you can find a rock

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, you just have to swim faster than the person you're swimming with.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Rome did not create an Empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm whilst all around you is in chaos you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing the job right first time gets the job done. Doing it wrong fourteen times gives you job security.



These ones are from alternate inspirational posters :

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

We waste time so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Succeed in spite of management.

Never under estimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

And some genuine American bumper stickers :

1) Jesus is coming. Everyone look busy.

2) A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

3) Horn broken, watch for finger.

4) The more you complain the longer God lets you live.

5) If at first you succeed try not to look astonished.

6) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

7) I love cats... They taste just like chicken.

8) Keep honking, I'm reloading.

9) Laugh alone and the world thinks your an idiot.

10) I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

11) Lord save me from your followers.

12) Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.

13) Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

14) Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

15) It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

16) If we aren't supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat.

17) Make it idiot proof and someone will design a better idiot.

18) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

20) Be nice to your kids, they'll be choosing your nursing home.

21) Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks your an arsehole.

22) I go from 0 to bitch in 2.5 seconds.

23) My wife's other car is a broom.

24) Well, today was a total waste of makeup

25) Do I look like a soddin people person.

26) I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27) If I throw a stick will you leave.

28) You... Off my planet.

29) The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

30) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

31) Whatever kind of look your going for, you missed.

32) I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

33) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality

34) Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

35) Chaos, panic, disorder... My work here is done.

36) And which dwarf are you.

37) I thought that I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheque's

38) It ain't the size, it's... No, it's the size.




And some slogans for women's T-shirts:

I'm out of oestrogen - I have a gun.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: six minutes.

And your point is?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.

Just the ridiculous amount of lines is comical!

SPAMMMMMMMM!!!!! Where ya been??????????!!!! Aint seen you for AGGGGGEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!

You aint seen me ever! lol

To be honest, Dave, I just couldn't be bothered trying to find the original post, so thought I start a new one, one that we could all scroll down quickly.. erm.. thats now shot to sh*t

You know what they say Shaun, throw enough cake and some of it sticks.

 

Very good Dave, I love the first one, bathroom scales thats funny.

My hubby forgot ours a few years ago and did realise and then went out and got me flowers as abit of an after thought! I do remind him every year since then that he did forget me.