What was it Shaun said the other day - you cant trust some clients not to harm themselves with a box of crayons.   Well how about if I stab clients with one of the said crayons?  Will I get life for that?  Cos after a couple of EXTREMELY frustrating days and a massive dent in my head from banging it on the wall and indeed breaking the wall,  I need someone to tell me Im not the only one who finds this business really frustrating sometimes!!

Thankfully I know it can be hilarious at others!!

As we havent had Friday fun for a while, I thought I would share the enclosed with you to bring perhaps a wry smile to a Saturday morning.

What it's like to be British...

Worrying youve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through Nothing to declare

Being unable to stand and leave without first saying right

Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

Saying anywhere heres fine when the taxis directly outside your front door

Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before its illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning youll have to eat your crisps at home 
The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

The horror of someone you only half know saying: Oh Im getting that train too

Sorry, is anyone sitting here? Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that youve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying I think thats right

Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

Punishing people who dont say thank you by saying youre welcome as quietly as possible

The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing youve made a terrible, terrible mistake

Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

Realising youve got about fifty grands worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

Youll have to excuse the mess Translation: Ive spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

Im off to bed Translation: Im off to stare at my phone in another part of the house

Mishearing somebodys name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed cheers, ta and nice one

Changing from kind regards to just regards, to indicate that youre rapidly reaching the end of your tether

Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding its perhaps best never to speak again

The relief when someone doesnt answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well youll never, ever watch it again