My girlfriend at the petrol station has dumped me and I'm very upset about it. I can't drive past there now without filling up.
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I was doing 80 mph an hour down the motorway when a polic car attempted to stop me, so I increased my speed to 90 mph and then 100 mph. Eventually I was forced to stop and the policeman said to me, 2You'd better have a good excuse for putting your foot down!" I said "My wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were fetching her back"
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The man sent his next door neighbour a text the other day. "Hey mate, I'm sorry but I have to confess, I've been hooking up to your wife for the last 6 months, and now I feel guilty. Sorry, it won't happen again". A few minutes later he hears this scream, then the sound of a gunshot next door. The next door neighbour then receives a text saying "Sorry mate, damn autocorrect, it should have said Wi-fi.
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A woman get's killed by a car and ends up in Heaven. God looks in His book and says "Sorry, I've made a mistake, you're not due to die for another 30 years" and zap, she is revived in the hospital theatre. She's so grateful she goes out, has her hair dyed, get's plastic surgery done, breast enlargement, bum lift, tummy tuck, the lot. 3 months later she gets hit by a car and ends up back in Heaven. She's veryt angry and says to God "You said I had another 30 years left". Sorry, God replied, "I didn't recognise you"
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An 18 year old lass goes into the Chemist and asks for some condoms The chemist replies "I've got a new range, 12 different colours" She bought them and off she went. 5 months later she went back in and asked for a maternity bra. "Certainly" said the Chemist, "What Bust" "The blue one" she replied.
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An 18 year old lad went into the Chemist and asked for some condoms. He explained to the Chemist that him and his girl were doing it for the first time that night, but first he was meeting her parents as they were just starting to get serious. That night he sat down at the dinner table and they said Grace. 10 minutes the young lad is still head down, eyes closed. His girlfriend leaned over and whispered "I didn't know you were that religious" and the lad whispered back "and I didn't know your Dad was a Chemist".
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-- Edited by Leger on Friday 15th of November 2019 03:38:41 PM
-- Edited by Leger on Friday 15th of November 2019 03:39:53 PM
A lifetime of jokes stashed in the inner recesses of my memory somewhere. Trouble is I'm not good at remembering jokes but usually a subject will bring back a memory. The two chemist jokes came about because I remembered the first one which reminded me of the second, which I loved when I first heard it.
Read a very witty one this morning which I hadn't heard before and really amused me so that will be in next Friday's batch. However I'm sure that as the weeks progress it will get harder to remember different ones.
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
I've never seen Rocky, but like John I would have guessed a Carry On film - and I might even have suggested Carry On Camping. I can just imagine Sid James and Bernard Bresslaw leaning on a fence at the edge of a field and having a conversation that included that joke.
"Here, Sid, why do cows wear bells?"
"Because their horns don't work, hyuck hyuck hyuck"
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Vince M Hudd - Soft Rock Software
(I only came here looking for fellow apiarists...)
Thank you!!
Trouble is I'm not good at remembering jokes but usually a subject will bring back a memory. The two chemist jokes came about because I remembered the first one which reminded me of the second, which I loved when I first heard it.
