A man was up in court and the charge was read out. "On the 19th July you did attack your wife with a hammer causing her actual bodily harm, how do you plead?" to which the man replied "Guilty". A man in the public gallery leapt up and shouted a name that questioned the guilty mans parentage. The man was told to sit down and be quiet and the second charge was read out.
"On the 26th September you did attack attack your wife with a hammer causing her grievous bodily harm, how do you plead? to which the man again replied "Guilty" The man in the gallery leapt up and really went to town, yelling all sorts of obscenities that I cant repeat. The Judge was absolutely furious and had the man up for contempt of court.
The Judge gave him a right dressing down and demanded an explanation for his behaviour. The man replied "I've lived next door to that man for 15 years and every time I've asked him for a hammer the ********* said he didn't have one!"
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I've been teaching my dog to fetch the paper from the shop
Eventually I was able to send him off on his first solo journey.
I gave him a quid and off he went. After an hour he hadn't come back
so I went to look for him. I found him down an alley with a lady dog.
and said to him in surprise "You've never done that before". The dog replied
"I know, I've never had the money before"
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The vampire bat returned from his outing with the whole of his front covered in blood. The other vampire bats were in awe and asked how he had made such a killing. He said "Rather than try to explain it I'll show you, and set off through the woods with the others in tow. Eventually he stopped and said "See that tree over there?" "Yes" they cried in unison. "Well I didn't, he replied.
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Two nuns were driving down a country lane when a vampire jumped out in front of them. The driver braked hard and said to the other nun, "Quick, show him your cross". The other nun wound her window down and yelled "Get out of the way you flipping idiot!"
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I went for a job at the Council collecting rubbish off the streets.
The interviewer said "Have you any previous experience?"
"No" I replied, "Ill pick it up as I go along"
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A slightly deaf man phoned 999 one night to tell them there was a sandwich
lying on the path outside his house, but it had 2 wires sticking out, and was worried it might be a bomb The operator said "Is it ticking?" "No" he replied, "it's cheese and onion
-- Edited by Leger on Saturday 30th of November 2019 12:53:08 AM
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John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Thanks John , 60 views and no one can be bothered to reply! This forum really is dying if not dead and the only ones who can help save it is the people who read the posts and by them joining in.
For sale: Parachute
Only used once, never opened.
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Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
98% are just out for themselves and never wish to repay the favour.
John - I dont know how you are still doing it! But you keep giving us some laughs. I did spot these - hope I have returned the laughs. The fact that they were all together and labelled 'why women live longer than men' is nothing to do with me!!!!
Thanks John , 60 views and no one can be bothered to reply! This forum really is dying if not dead and the only ones who can help save it is the people who read the posts and by them joining in.
For sale: Parachute
Only used once, never opened.
Only the spammers and business owners can find the site. Case in point - 4 of the last 5 newbies!
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Joanne
Winner of Bookkeeper of the Year 2015, 2016 & 2017
Thoughts are my own/not to be regarded as official advice,which should be sought from a suitably qualified Accountant.
You should check out answers with reference to the legal position
Its mainly for the regulars Joanne, but I was hoping that it might encourage others to join in. There's some right gems on the ones you posted. My favourite has to be the trampoline on the roof.
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John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Thanks John & Joanne
I'm way behind with what's going on but just had a great laugh at all these...Mr G had to bring the inhaler in! He wants to know who got the picture of him up the ladder with the chainsaw
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Janet
They keep making the system idiot proof but then make bigger and better idiots!
, 60 views and no one can be bothered to reply! This forum really is dying if not dead and the only ones who can help save it is the people who read the posts and by them joining in.
