Young Johnny balloon wanted to watch the late night horror film but his parents weren't happy. After much pleading they relented but warned him. If you get scared and have nightmares, don't come running to our bed.

Young Johnny watched the film,and sure enough woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare.  He crept into his parent's bed but there wasn't enough room.  Ah he thought, if I let a bit of air out I can squeeze in.  He did but there still wasn't enough room, so he let some air out of his parents as well.  Next morning Daddy balloon was furious.  "We warned you about this didn't we?   Not only have you let me and Mummy down, but you've let yourself down as well".

--

A young lady on her own in a restaurant suddenly sneezed really bad and out popped her glass eye.  A young man sat at the next table deftly caught it and returned it to the lady. She thanked him profusely and invited him to sit and have a meal together.  One thing led to another and he ended up going back to her place.  The next morning they were chatting over breakfast.  "Tell me", he said, "do you have a habit of bringing young men back when you've only just met?".  "No" she replied, "just those who catch my eye"

--

My wife has told me that my obsession of taking kitchen utensils from the drawer and hiding them has to stop.  I solemnly swore that I would but the urge took control and I had to take a whisk.

--

Wife says to her husband : Darling there´s something I have to tell you, something I should have told you a long time ago.  Before we met I used to be a hooker.  "What exclaimed the husband, shocked. After thinking about it for a moment and feeling slightly turned on by the fantasies in his head, the man says "thats OK, no worries, I´m an open minded kind of bloke, would you like to tell me more...?  "OK says his wife,  "My name was Brian and I played for Wigan.

--

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
"Is that one word or two?