Sorry Guys & Ladyfolk, but been a hectic week and realised I hadn't done one.

My son told me this today, which I found amusing.

Eskimo Lad:  What's for tea mum?
Mum: Vera Lynn burgers.
Lad:  Oh no, not whale meat again!

--

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench starts ringing, and a man pushes the hands-free button and starts to talk:
Man- "Hello"
Woman- "Honey, it's me.  Did you have a nice round of golf?"
"Yes, thank you for asking"
"I'm out shopping, and I've found a beautiful leather coat for £500, can I buy it?"
"OK, if you like it that much".
"I also stopped at the Mercedes dealership, I saw one I really liked".
"How much?"
"£65,000"
"OK, but for that price I want all the options"
"Great, thank you Darling.  One last thing, you know the house we missed out on last year? It's back on the market at £750,000".
"OK, give them an offer, but don't go over £700K"
"Thank you, I love you!"
"Bye, I love you too".
The man hangs up.  The other men in the room are looking at him in astonishment.  He smiles, and says "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

--

I was in a cab the other day and the cabbie said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."
I laughed and said, "turn left here mate."

--

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer the father says. We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like hell they're getting divorced! she shouts, I'll take care of this!
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.

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Andy invites a few mates to his new flat. After a few beers one of the lads asks "What's the big brass gong hanging on the wall?" Andy says "It's my speaking clock!" "How does it work?" "I'll show you" He hits it full pelt with a claw hammer. A voice from next door yell *FFS, it's twenty to three in the morning!"

--

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."