Saw this the other day, and I think it's the best yet.
A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
A burly man who was standing behind her picked her up effortlessly by the waist and placed her gently on the steps of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the Good Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled and said, "Normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my jeans three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
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I was at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog ? Why else would I be buying dog food? So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I ended up in intensive care . But on the plus side I lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks! I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go. Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's rear end and a lorry hit me.
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At school a classmate told Little Johnny that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Once home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the postman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The postman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real Dad a great big hug.
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My mate Dave has got a job down at the local lap dancing club, helping the girl's get dressed for £25 a week.
I said to him, "that's way too cheap!" and he replied "That's all I can afford"
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An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a teenage boy with a multi-coloured mohican sits down. The old man just stares at the boys hair. Finally the boy says "What, haven't you ever done anything wild or crazy"? The old man replied "Yes, years ago I had sex with a peacock and was just wondering if you're my son"?
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Our new next door neighbour has got 6 kids. The other day I heard her shout Wayne, dinner's ready, and they all came running in.
I exclaimed surprise and She said they were all called Wayne as it was easier to get them all to do something, just by saying Wayne.
I said, "that's ok, but what if you want just one of them to do something?" "Easy, I'll just shout his surname" she replied.
These last two were the ones Doug reminded me of.
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John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Heard that a few years ago Doug, and it made me laugh. I would have included it had I remembered it, so thanks for posting it.
I remember jokes on triggers, like your post last week reminded me of the Mohican youth and Wayne, so they must all be bubbling away in my subconscious lol.
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
