Two men are enjoying a nice Saturday afternoon of golf. After they finish the 12th hole, they see two women on the green of the 13th, putting the ball around with an apparent lack of skill. After watching the women fumble around for about 10 minutes, one of the men says, "I'm going to ask them if we can play through." He starts walking towards them, but stops about halfway and comes running back. Out of breath, and slightly manic, he says, "I can't go over there! One of the women is my wife, and the other is my mistress!" The second man says, "Fine, I'll ask." He begins walking towards them, but he also stops about halfway and comes running back. He looks at the first man and simply says, "Small world."
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I remember when some bullies roughed me up at school and took nearly all my felt tip pens!
They left me black and blue....
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Just nicked a turkey from Asda. The security guard chased me and shouted "Oi, what you doing with that?"
I shouted back "Potato's, Carrots, Peas and Gravy"
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I left my girlfriend because of her obsession with counting. I'd love to know what she's up to now.
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Staggering home from the pub last night and saw a bloke with his car bonnet up. "What's up?" I said
He said "Piston broke" I replied "You and me both lad"
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I can't remember how to write 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals
I'm LIVID
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Watching Babestation last night and just had to ring the girl posing on the TV.
"Hello sexy, what can I do for you?" She purred.
I said "Duck will you love, my wife's just walked in and I can't find the remote"
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Ooops, nearly forgot. I saw this on Facebook yesterday, very clever
Thanks John, I laughed at the turkey one. Here are some more for your collection -
An employee returned to work after a sickie. A boss stormed up to the employee shouting, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?!!!" The employee replied, "No, not really."
A man goes into a job interview with the boss. The boss asks him during the interview what is his worst quality. The man replies, "I am probably too honest." The boss says, "That's not a bad thing you know, being honest is a good thing." The man replies, "I don't care what you think!!"
When a boss asked me who is the stupid one, him or me, I said everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Some people say the glass is half full. Some say it is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
There is a new trend in the office, everyone seems to be putting names on their food. I saw it the other day, when I was eating a sandwich called Kevin.
Hi boys and gals Good to see you are still honing your new craft to get ready for your Hammersmith debut John!! Was it you who hacked Tiny Tim's facebook feed this weekend to destroy the rivals?
On the theme of the last one, lots more daft things floating around that might bring a wry smile or smirk...
and unrelated but reminds me of the many broken propellors every summer (and counting the days for this summer). No idea what this numpty had in his head when he started the day though...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from Miffed to Peeved. Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to Irritated or even A Bit Cross.
The English have not been A Bit Cross since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from Tiresome to A Bloody Nuisance. The last time the British issued a Bloody Nuisance warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from Pissed Off to Let's Get the Bastard. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Collaborate and Surrender. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from Shout Loudly and Excitedly to Elaborate Military Posturing. Two more levels remain: Ineffective Combat Operations and Change Sides.
The Germans have increased their alert state from Disdainful Arrogance to Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. They also have two higher levels: Invade a Neighbour and Lose.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from No worries to She'll be alright, Mate. Two more escalation levels remain: Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend! and The barbie is cancelled. So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Russians have said Its not us
__________________
Joanne
Winner of Bookkeeper of the Year 2015, 2016 & 2017
Thoughts are my own/not to be regarded as official advice,which should be sought from a suitably qualified Accountant.
You should check out answers with reference to the legal position
Brilliant, thank you all for your additional contributions. The toilet roll in van made me laugh the most, seen that on FB earlier in the week. One I also saw on a dirty van was "I identify as clean"
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
John Travolta was hospitalised for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
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Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
John Travolta was hospitalised for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
It's his own fault Doug, he went to the hospital and told them "I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control"
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
