Apologies, but the last 3 days have been absolutely hectic and I just haven't found the time to post.
But, as they say, better late than never. The first one I heard many years ago, but one of my friends posted it this morning, and I still think it's very funny.
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said...."but the rest of the darts team hadn't!".
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I was in a long line at the Supermarket at 7:45 am today. A young man came from the car park and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "FFS, if you keep knocking me back I can't open the doors!
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone."She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're out of bread: be back in five minutes.
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Sargeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning Smith"
Smith "Thank you Sarge"
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
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John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
A man is out hiking in the woods, when he accidentally stumbles across a family of bears. He immediately starts running, but the bears give chase - and eventually he finds himself trapped by the bears, who begin to advance.
"Oh God..." he says.
Suddenly, everything freezes, and he hears a deep voice. "Yes?"
Shocked, he asks "Is... is that God?"
"Yes," says the voice.
"Oh," says the man, "in that case, I have to be honest - I've always been an atheist, so it wouldn't be right if I asked you to get me out of this. But, er, could you at least make those bears Christians?"
"Consider it done" says God, and everything returns to normal.
The bears are still advancing on the man, when they stop, put their hands together, and one says "For what we are about to receive..."
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Vince M Hudd - Soft Rock Software
(I only came here looking for fellow apiarists...)
I was in Asda the other day with the missus and put a box of Stella in the trolley "what you think you are doing?" asks the missus "its on offer, £10 for 24 cans" I reply "well put them back we cant afford them". A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley "what you doing?" I said "it makes my face look beautiful" she says, and I said "so does the 24 cans of Stella and they are half the price"
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Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
