I had intended doing something a little bit different this week, but time constraints meant I couldn't set it up, delayed it a couple of days hoping to find time on Sunday but alas to no avail.  I'll have a go at setting it up midweek so it's ready for next Friday, and if it works there'll be a giggle or 3 I'm sure.

A patrol car parked outside a local pub one night, hoping to catch some drink drivers. A man came staggering out of the pub so intoxicated he was barely able to walk. 

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the pub and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few feet, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The patrol, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test.

To his amazement the Breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the policeman said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyser must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

-- 

My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"

I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."

He said, "So what happened?"

I said, "Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your mother."

--

My daft mate Dave may not be so daft after all.  The plumber rang him on Wednesday after having some work carried out a week last Friday.  He said "you haven't paid my invoice I sent"  "I know" said Dave, "but it's wrong, that's not the price you quoted."  The plumber was astonished and said "I never quoted you a price"

"Yes you did" said Dave, "When I asked if you could come and fix my leaking pipe you told me you would be free on Friday".

--

I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham at the weekend where the theme was "spice".

I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut...

--

Despite most people thinking he's either British or American, Mr Sheen is in fact Polish

--

I was stacking washing powder down one of the aisles in my local supermarket where i work,when this girl who i'd met on the internet comes down and see's me.

"You lying git " she shouts.

"whats up" i replied.

"you told me you were a stunt pilot when we went on that date." she screams.

"No i didn't i said I was part of an ariel display team."