Was speaking to my mate earlier and was reminded off a couple of jokes.  

Bloke walks into a chippy and said "I want some f**ing fish and chips.  The friar ignores him and the bloke repeats it.  The friar looks up, annoyed, and said "Where's your manners young man?"  The bloke says "I want some f***ing fsh and chips now"

"No" said the friar, "not unless you ask properly"   The bloke said "I don't know what you mean".  "look" he said "you come round here and I'll go round there and I'll show you how to ask properly.  They swapped places and the fria said "Good evening young man "I would like to buy some fsh and chips.  No" said the bloke"  "What do you mean no, why not?"  "Cos you wouldn't f***ing serve me" 

--

Bloke walks into a Fish & Chip shop and asks the guy behind the counter for Terminator 2 
The Chip shop guy points out to him that this is a fish and chip shop not a video store.  The next night he goes in and asks "I'd like Top Gun please"  I told you last night this isn't a video store.
The guy thinks for a second and says "A bag of chips please!......oh and 'A Fish Called Wanda'"

--

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday  evening
with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out  a £5000
ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something
really  special  for this lovely lady." At that statement, the  jeweller went
to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a
stunning  ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.  The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The young
lady was absolutely ecstatic.

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and  the old man  stated, "By
cheque . Now, I  know you need to make sure the cheque  is good,  so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to  verify the  funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.  "There's
no  money in that account !"

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the  weekend I've had?

--

The man in the hospital bed was wearing a surgical mask and the nurse was sure he'd just asked if his testicles were black.
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He speaks again, and the nurse is sure he says, "are my testicles black?"
 
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.

She raises his gown, holds his male organ in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong
with them Sir."

 The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but are my test results back?"

--

  A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the
priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

   "Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

   "Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is
well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate
it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs
for me?  Under your robes perhaps?"

   "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie."

   "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

   When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead
of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

   "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare."

   The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what
do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

>   "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."

   Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father,
go ahead."