I heard this one a few weeks ago and it made me laugh.  Been meaning to post it ever since and just seen it again, so here it is.

Fred Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Fred slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the fecker had a window cleaning round!

--

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other'.
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along'.
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible'.
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along'.
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

--

I come from a long line of Conga dancers.

--

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...
"Mr Ross?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."
I said, "Rubbish - my dog doesn't even have a bike!"

--