After a two week hiatus, it's back. Sorry, got bogged down with tax returns.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are
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An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I wont be able to plant my tomato garden this year. Im just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Dont dig up that garden. Thats where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. Thats the best I could do under the circumstances.
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** BEWARE**
I ordered Chinese the other day, collecting it on my home. Suddely I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was .........A Peeking Duck!
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet."
"We're out of bread. Be back in five minutes."
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Times are hard, especially for those in the leisure industry. I've had a bloke decorating my house this week, got chatting to him and it turns out he's a BA pilot on furlough, who's decorating to pay his mortgage. Sad times but I must give him credit, he made a brilliant job of the landing .
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Two blokes walking their dogs
Ones got a Labrador and the other a jack Russel
They head for the local pub
First one walks in with the Labrador, a pint of your best please
The barman says Im sorry no dogs allowed
Quick thinking hes says Im blind and this is my guide dog
The barman apologised and gave him the beer on the house
Second bloke walks in , pint of your best please
Im sorry says the barman no dogs allowed
But Im blind and this is my guide dog
The barman says what a jack Russel
The second bloke starts feeling around and says is that what theyve given me
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__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
