Sorry, it's been a while since we last had one, time just seems to fly sometimes. I've added a few more this week to make up for it's absence.
Apologies for the formatting, I tried to edit it but it didn't change.
-----------------------
I've just told my wife that our neighbour has died. She said "Who, Ray?" Now I know she's never been keen on him, but cheering is bang out of order
----------------------
A woman is getting married for the fourth time and her friend says, "How wonderful!" Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you dont mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?"
The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." the women replies.
Feeling shocked, "Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. Did he ate poison mushrooms, too?" she asks.
"Oh, no. He died of a broken neck." the women says.
Her friend asks, "A broken neck?"
The women calmly looks at her and says, "He wouldnt eat his mushrooms.."
------------------------
A young boy and his dad were playing together when the boy said: Dad, Ive decided to get married. Surprised, the dad answered: Well thats wonderful! Do you have a girl in mind?! Yes, its grandma! She said she loves me, I love her too and shes the best cook and story teller in the whole world! The dad answered: Thats nice, but we have a small problem there. What problem?! asked the boy with worry. She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! The boy answered: Why not?! You married mine!
-------------------------
My son came home from school last week and said "Mom,Dad, my teacher asked a question today and I was the only one in class that knew the right answer!"
We were really happy and I said "That's awesome, What was the question?"
He stuck out his chest and said...."Who farted?
-----------------------
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
---------------------
Did you used to knock on peoples front doors and then run away and hide before they could answer... If so then Hermes are looking for Drivers and this could be the perfect job.
-----------------
I woke up and my dog Charlie is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbour's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.
I took the rabbit away from Charlie, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I rushed back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbours screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
-------------------
The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...
His rather dim secretary had never seen one before. "What's that?" she asks. "Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold." "Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of those!" "Yep, I definitely recommend it." And they go about the rest of the day. Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary's desk. "Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!" he says. "Oh, yes, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold." She's beaming. He grins back. "Nice one, so what have you got in there?" "some coffee and ice cream for later"
------------------
I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level."
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that stupid?"
"What do you mean John?" He sniggered.
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fiver."
-----------------
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss just told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No." I replied.
-- Edited by Leger on Sunday 9th of May 2021 03:47:37 PM
-- Edited by Leger on Sunday 9th of May 2021 03:55:11 PM
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
My wife has left me due to my obsession with jigsaws. Who's gonna help me pick up the pieces?
My car broke down and this guy pulled up and asked if he could help, "yes please" I said "any good at car repairs?" "No chance" he said "I'm a chiropodist not a mechanic"
"That's okay" I said "you can give me a toe"!
__________________
Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
My wife has left me due to my obsession with jigsaws. Who's gonna help me pick up the pieces?
My car broke down and this guy pulled up and asked if he could help, "yes please" I said "any good at car repairs?" "No chance" he said "I'm a chiropodist not a mechanic"
"That's okay" I said "you can give me a toe"!
My wife left me because of my obsession with football. Shame really as we had been together for 12 seasons
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
