It is just before Scotland v England in the Euros Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down...

I got sent off after 12 minutes"

--

A woman goes into Asda to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes to the till. There's an Asda "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's £50"

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter.

And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realises that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be £60"

She says, "But didn't you say it was £50?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is £50, the duck call is £5, and the catfish stink bait is £5  (corrected)

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"The Moral Of The Story"

The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Sinead said: "My da's says eggs are important and we should eat plenty. One time we were taking our eggs home from the supermarket in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke on the dashboard and made a right mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Fionnula raised her hand and said: "Our family have a farm. We raise chickens for the meat factory. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Fionnula. Shane, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, Miss. My Da told me this story about my Auntie Karen. Auntie Karen went to live in the States in the 1980s when she couldn't get a job. Later she was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of Irish Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Auntie Karen when she's been drinking".

--

My father brought me up single-handedly.

It's not easy being the son of a pirate.

--

A worker in a factory walked out every night with a barrow full of sawdust, the security man on the gate stopped him and searched through the sawdust looking for stolen items. He never found anything,
This went on for years and years.
Eventually the worker retired and for the first time in his working life was walking out without the barrow full of sawdust, the security bloke stopped him and asked,

"Ok i give up, I know you have been smuggling things out, Now that you've retired please tell me what you've been pinching".

the worker bent up to the security mans ear and whispered

" wheelbarrows"

--

Safety meeting at work

They asked me "What steps would you take in event of a fire?

"F***ing big ones" was apparently not the right answer

--

-- Edited by Leger on Sunday 20th of June 2021 12:31:12 AM