A farmer stopped by the local mechanics  shop to have his truck fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he  said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 On the way home he stopped at the hardware  Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed  store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling  outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases  home.

 While he was scratching his head he was  approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you  tell me how to get to 1603  Mockingbird Lane ?'

 The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of  fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't  carry this lot.'

 The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put  the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken  under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and  proceeded to walk the old girl home.  On the way he says 'Let's take my  short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

 The little old lady looked him over  cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How  do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,  pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

 The farmer said, 'Flipping heck lady! I'm  carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the  world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do  that?'

 The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down,  cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the  chickens.

--

A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,  "May I ask what the turkey did?"

--

If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.

--

Cadbury's have brought out a new box of chocolates for inconsiderate people.

They're self centred.

--

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

--

There was a lighthouse keeper called Crighton

Who took to seeing a young lady from Brighton

But ships ran aground, and fishermen drowned

Cos she didn't like sex with the light on

--

I had wanted to become a Doctor but I failed the medical exam by one question, which I was sure I'd got right.

The question was 

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Apparently it's SPINE!

--

How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?

We're on our sixth.

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-- Edited by Leger on Friday 27th of August 2021 11:06:38 PM