Can't believe that the last one was posted in October. Will try and be more regular this year
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"For what I'm about to receive, may I be truly thankful to God, in Jesus name, amen."
--
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
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Her husband said "let's go out to dinner tonight" So she came back with the usual "I have nothing to wear" He said "just wear what you wore last time we went out together, you looked beautiful" So there they were in the local steak house, him in his jeans and t-shirt, her in her wedding dress.
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My mate has arranged a date with a lovey woman who works on the bins, but he can't remember if he's taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.
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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub. and says, "I have an 8 inch **** and can sh*g all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.
The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch **** and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch **** and lasted 3 minutes"..
Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was only an estimate"
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My daft mate Dave discovered 3 hand grenades in the park yesterday and said he'd take them to the Police Station. "But what if one explodes" I said. "Then we'll lie and say we only found two!!"
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And finally
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, OhI had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
Brilliant John Tight underwear one was a serious LOL moment.
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Shaun
Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, OhI had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
Nice one Amanda
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Doug
These are only my opinions of how I see things and therefore should not be taken as advice
Sorry, I keep meaning to do one and then summat crops up and time just whizzes by. I'm still saving jokes that amuse me so have quite a few to share, and I'll post a new jokes thread in the next 2-3 days, and try to make it a regular occurance.
In the meantime I'll leave you with a couple.
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says,
'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
---
Little Red riding hood has been found by a member of the public, unconscious and in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilised her condition and the Air Ambulance is in attendance.
However, I must stress, she's not out of the woods yet...
__________________
John
Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.
Tight underwear one was a serious LOL moment.
