Apologies, it's been waaay too long since I posted some jokes.

Can I ask what are peoples thoughts on Irish jokes are?.  I don't want to intentionally offend but there are some funny ones, and I think the Irish themselves don't usually take offence.

The first joke I read the other day, and although I have heard it before it still made me laugh out loud. 

Dear Mam and Dad, 

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm, tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone:

I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6 in the morning, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. 

No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it?s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you?re doing. 

For breakfast there?s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are wrecked because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well over the fields.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter, but I keep getting medals for shooting. I don?t know why because the bull?s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it?s not firing back at you like the Murphy?s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - 'tis no problem. You don't even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the wall when you reload.

Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy, it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local lads all at once like we do. 

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either, it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 15 stone, so he?s a good bit bigger than me  but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.

Your loving daughter, 

Siobhàn...

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Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year, and every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like a ride in that there 'elicopter"

Blanche always replied,  "I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,......and twenty quid is twenty quid!"

This year Bill and Blanche went to the show as usual and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old, If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance!"

To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid."

The pilot overheard the couple and told them, "I'll do you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid!"

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy aerobatic manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word from them.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't....I'm impressed!!"

Bill replied, " Well, to tell you' t'truth I almost said summat when Blanche fell out, but tha' knows....twenty quid is twenty quid!"

I've just told my boss I want a pay rise and pointed out I have 3 other Companies after me.  Who, he cried.  I replied The Gas, Electric and Water Companies!

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I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me...

..., My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable. It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, 'get that trolley over here they're doing three crates of Stella for the price of two!!!!

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In the pub on Saturday night, I got chatting to this beautiful young lady 20 years my junior

So I asked her what she did? and she replied, I?m a traveler!

A good few drinks later as the bar is closing, she said to me do you want to come back to my place for some fun? Not half, I said.

What a night I had! Two goes on the Ghost Train, a shot on the Waltzers a shot on the Dodgems, and I even came home with a Goldfish.

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I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ??Thanks a lot, I could marry you!??, I couldn?t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

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